I used to throw up a lot as a child, especially from preschool to 2nd grade. Usually from eating too much too fast and running around. I mean it was pretty bad, I can’t even recall a time where I went to a pool without throwing up or wanting to throw up back then. I was always embarrassed when other people saw and I was often scolded by my family.
Fast forward a couple of years later, I developed the fear of eating in front of my friends outside of school, because I was always afraid to throw up. Whenever they’d offer me a meal, I’d always pass up on it. Whenever I ate in front of them, I was afraid I would gag and throw up so I would avoid eating in general. To this day, I still get anxious when I eat out with new friends or people I want to impress (Step-Family, Employers, etc.). I always feared to throw up and making a bad impression. Throughout my sophomore year, I ate my lunch outside of the school alone, even when it was freezing or burning temperatures. I also never at a full lunch my whole sophomore year after changing schools, because I was afraid of throwing up my meal.
During sophomore year, I would actually leave class sometimes to just run off to the bathroom if I felt nauseous. I often came to my ceramics class late as well, because I felt so bad. I never knew why this was happening, I just thought it was completely normal and that I was just nervous.
There was this girl I used to play League of Legends with, that I really liked back then, and before each game, I would start gagging. Like I was super nervous! Don’t get me wrong, we talked a lot and everything was normal. It was just sometimes, I’d get super nervous and run to the toilet to hurl. My sleep hours and diet probably played a factor into this a well.
So I suffered from pretty bad anxiety that kept me from eating and interacting with people normally. Thankfully, things began to get better once I got more comfortable with people and had a better self-image. I was awkward and was always afraid of what people thought of me and the first impressions I left. I got better at interacting with people, once I got a job and talking to people got easier.
Last year, I got drunk for the first time in Las Vegas and walked the strip with my sisters. I couldn’t stop myself from talking and smiling. Although I couldn’t fully control my actions, I subconsciously realized that a lot of these people didn’t really care how much I was talking and how restless I was acting. After that experience, I came back home as someone else. I became confident and cared less of what people thought of me. I began meeting new people. Of course, I was still nervous about meeting new people, but I realized if people didn’t accept me for the way I am, they wouldn’t make good friends for me anyways.
After that experience, I realized that I didn’t want to stay the same awkward and anxious person I was. I came back home as someone else, Jintae 2.0, I became confident and cared less of what people thought of me. I began meeting new people, who came out to be the friends I began spending time with. Of course, I was still nervous about meeting new people, but I realized if people didn’t accept me for the way I am, they aren’t the people I want to spend time around anyways.
I grew up unknowingly with anxiety and feared what people thought of me. My anxiety caused me to gag and throw up when I got nervous and stressed. But I managed to overcome it, by getting drunk and realizing that it doesn’t matter what people think of me. I’m becoming more and more confident every day, improving my life drastically.
Thanks for reading. 起源